Five reasons why a Zombie Apocalypse won’t be THAT bad…

It was while I was stuck in a particularly nasty bit of traffic that it dawned on me. What if Zombies really did attack? What would I do? How would it affect me?

Would it really be that bad?!

The answer wasn’t as simple as you think.

We all know why this human destruction of epic proportions shouldn’t happen. There’s the virus/machines/curse/bad day at the office/ that would leave you half rotten and craving the flesh of your own children. There’s the lurching, the smell, the inevitably fight for survival if you haven’t been turned yet. There’s the fact that there would most probably be no internet or new movies. Twitter would have no point and Facebook would be like a memorial of everybody who didn’t make it. It will be bad. It will be disastrous…

Yes Ed, you won't be the only dead thing lurching around...

But, as I sat under the baking sun of my country in a car with no air-con I imagined the desolation that would be on the highway, no cars, no people, only the odd lurching zombie which I could happily hit with my car if the mood took me. Excellent cure for road rage. So, Zombie Apocalypse equaled NO TRAFFIC. 

Let’s call this – Reason 1.

Ah, the Open Road...

Reason 2 is even more delightful. NO WORK. With the threat of rotting corpses ignoring all work and union rules by going cannibalistic on their co workers, I cannot imagine that there would be any point into going into the office. And, if you’re fighting for your life, I can’t imagine why it would matter whether your company is running over budget, your weekly report hasn’t been filed in and the stock markets are crashing… We could all abandone our mediocre and sometimes disasterous careers and focus on things that mattered like…

No need for that bow tie mate, you're a zombie.

Survival. I should add it in bold. SURVIVAL. Or the lack there of. Reason 3 for my ‘reasons why the zombies should come and take the phrase ‘BITE ME’ quite literally’ is as follows. The strong survive. The cunning survive. If you don’t know how to think on your feet, if you’re not smart enough to make your way through the treacherous road of ultimate survival or if you’re just plain lazy and expect people to solve your problems for you then you probably won’t make it through the first month of Apocalypse ala Zombie. Yes ladies and gentlemen, every single person that irritates you stands quite a good chance to end up as a meal to his putrid neighbor. It’s survival of the fittest, the smartest and those who have very good friends in this world. Thinking about most of the people who irritate me in my life, I realized that very few of them actually fall into that category.

It goes without saying then that those people would get together and reproduce, providing the best possible selection for the improvement of the human race. I call this reason 4 and SUPERIOR GENETICS AND IMPROVED NATURAL SELECTION. Nothing says: Have my  children and teach them well, like the an apocalypse of mauling proportions. Those people who have remained alive and manage to survive this downfall of man, will get together and reproduce (because it is in human nature and a great way to pass the time in those dark evenings where you would’ve been spending time on World of Warcraft or shooting the hell out of Husks in the Mass Effect 3 multiplayer…). It goes without saying that those children will be raised to be smart, to respect their elders (because they know better and will feed you to the zombies if you don’t), and to think on their feet – some things I’m finding increasingly lacking in our future generations.

And, Zombies can't have children... Unless they bite yours...

And lastly, there is Reason 5, one which my room mate supplied as I came home and shared my wonderful revelation. Milla Jovovich, or some other sexy female, coming to your aid in a SKINNY SEXY DRESS. Milla would of course be my bet. Since she has five movies under her belt she’s the foremost expert on killing zombies in our time. There’s nothing that says Zombie Apocalyse like this:

You go girl... To my neighborhood. With that gun.

And, it’s traditional. In every single account of zombies over running earth, there has been that girl in that dress.

So, next time you shudder at the thought of rotting corpses tolling around and making life miserable for you, consider these reasons. Their arrival will mean:

  1. No Traffic – because there would be no sense in driving anywhere but OUT of town.
  2. No Work – because the term ‘workplace harrasement’ will take on a whole new meaning.
  3. No more irritating people – Zombie Apocalypses have a very low survival rate.
  4. Smart children – And good evening entertainment.
  5. That heroine in that sexy dress – because what would a zombie world be without one?

I don’t know about you, but I’m almost wiling to say – bring it on…

And a decent gun of course.



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About Alyssa C.

Having never quite grown up out of her nerd phase Alyssa spends her life between being a technical advisor for a pharmaceutical company, playing console games, reading anything she can get her hands on, tweeting as @alyssc01 and occasionally declaring herself Supreme Ruler of the Universe. She's a freelance writer willing to take on any challenge with numerous grammatical errors. The first three is always free.