Why I Can’t Stop Hating Twilight

As the latest Twilight installment is set to be released I am fighting back hurling every time I see the previews for this cinematic disaster.  Before I get too far into this, let me start by saying I could only stomach half of the first Twilight movie until my stomach was in pain.  A few months ago I wrote an article on my top 10 B movies in which I would have loved to rip on Twilight; however, Twilight doesn’t fall under that category since it was a high budget film.  Yet, if I had my way with Twilight I would definitely place it at the number 1 position for worst A-list movies ever made.  I realize there are millions of these articles devoted to bashing Twilight and I will not be the first (or last) to slam these films.  But these movies (spawned from the books) have ruined my modern day image of vampires so much that I have no issue being another trite Twilight “hater”.  By the way, I never understood why people say haters as if that word is the end all, be all word that should end the “hating”.  My view of “haters” is that they hate for no reason.  I have reasons.  So, without much ado, here are the reasons I hate Twilight.

1. Vampires don’t glitter!!!  Anyone that has read a few vampire novels knows that is not the reason vampires avoid going outside in the daylight.  If that were the issue, vampires should fear pawn shop brokers, gem hunters, and thieves more than vampire hunters.  I mean, come on!  What rapper wouldn’t trade his or her soul to bling that much from head to toe?  Furthermore, couldn’t a vampire just kill a pawnbroker or a thief within a few seconds?  From an RPG player’s perspective the only thing that should glitter is RIFT’s Glitter Boy, not the vampires I remember from decades passed.

The biggest reason vampires can’t go outside is not because they glitter- it is because this is nature’s way of keeping its freaks in check.  If you have vampires running around during the daytime then you have one too many Stephen Dorfs unleashed.  Referencing RPGs again, what storyteller or DM would allow a character to have all perks and no flaws? 

Lastly, longing to see the sunlight is also what makes vampires so emo.  Like a kid kept indoors in Flowers in the Attic or a fool from People Under the Stairs, vampires lack melanin because they don’t get sufficient sunlight…not because they have on too much rouge!!!

2. Horrible Acting:  In the case of B movies, I love horrible acting.  I can laugh all day at the wandering eyes that few know are reading the cue cards offset from the camera.  I can laugh at the monotone droning of cheesy B-list actors that are sadly starting (and ending) their careers through any chance they can get.  Most of all, I enjoy watching other viewers in the same room as me as they also laugh at the horrible actors.  However, in the realm of Twilight, I cringe when I think of all the Twilight fans that can’t see past the glitter and mirrors and realize that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson do not live up to the hype as legitimate actress and actor.  A friend once told me that their acting has gotten much better since the first Twilight movie but I have not seen an ounce of proof to affirm that assessment.  I occasionally walk into a room from time to time and one of the newer Twilight movies is playing.  Even in those few moments I can still spot horrible acting within a few moments.  Maybe it’s the one year of drama in high school that I still cling so tightly to that makes me over analyze actors and actresses but I don’t mind that latent skill. 

Don’t get me wrong, I understand the target audience is the teenage angst crowd and the overly emo.  But milking lines (overly dramatic speech) and staring that lasts longer than an uncomfortable Michael Scott moment is separate from a good, dark movie that may share a person’s inner angst of not belonging, being misunderstood, living between two worlds, etc.  No, those bad acting indicators manage to get misconstrued by Twilight fans as emotionally hardcore instead of the truth- the acting sucks! 

Blade and Underworld are good examples of how vampires and even werewolves can be less wimpy than Twilight misrepresents.  Heck, even some good old fashioned Lost Boys has the angst of The Breakfast Club mixed with some vampire carnage that still rings true today even if they were rocking some mad mullet action.  But it’s not that those movies have big name actors that make them classics; it’s the fact that those earlier movies at least had better acting than what we are fed with Twilight.

 

3. Edward Cullen is a pedophile:   Here is where you think I have gone off the deep end…and maybe I have. =-)  But does anyone else think it’s a bit strange that Edward would seek love with a high school girl when he is over 100 years old?  Have you ever read in the newspaper or the news about 20 year old men with baby faces that are caught signing into high school to score teenage chicks and to redeem their not-so-popular initial high school years?  I doubt anyone has read about these types of men and thought, “Awww, how sweet!”  So why is Edward so “sweet”?!  This guy is older than Hugh Hefner and pastier than mayonnaise.  The only answer that comes to mind is the Tom Brady Saturday Night Live (SNL) episode about sexual harassment.  The gist was that if you flirt with a girl and you are ugly then its sexual harassment.  If you flirt with a girl and you are hot, then you are just making her day.  Edward Cullen is teenage eye candy, so that magically makes it ok to date girls that have an age difference of over 80 years. 

 

I could continue with this but I will go ahead and leave it there.  The Twilight series continues to get under my skin every time I see  person garbed in one of the team t-shirts circa release date.  Don’t get me wrong; it’s not the Twilight fans I have the main issue with.  While I do pity that they should take off the 3-D eye candy goggles in order to see the poor acting as it truly is, I hate the Twilight films the most.  They are the mongoose to my snake- or is it the snake to my mongoose?  I always get them confused.  Regardless, if people want to throw money away on these films then they should save a dollar for me, as well.  Who doesn’t want free money?

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About Manny Garza

After serving 8 years in the U.S. Army as an Intelligence Analyst, Manny departed the military in order to pursue his B.A. in Philosophy from American Military University. Aside from college, he writes short stories and essays in the realm of philosophy and science fiction. Manny's short stories are heavily influenced by who he refers to as The Trinity: Isaac Asimov, Arthur C. Clarke, and Jack Williamson. He is married to his lovely wife, Melissa, and has two dogs named Koopa and Goomba. Aside from being an editor and contributor of Nerd Trek articles, his hobbies include playing guitar, singing, and both tabletop and video game RPGs. Manny currently lives in Charlottesville, VA.