TRANSFORMERS 3 – A review?

I can’t honestly say this is a review in the classic sense. In my current trend of going to see awful movies that I really want to be good, I caught Transformers 3 this weekend. I’m still trying to decide what the hell I just witnessed. Is it possible for a movie to be so intense it puts you to sleep? I think so. Maybe?


  • The 3d Imax action scenes are as crazy and over the top as we all have come to expect from Bay. Regardless of your emotional attachment to Transformers as your childhood heroes and your subsequent anger towards their completely misguided and off the mark representation in the reboot (see what I did there?), it is raw nerd porn to see giant robots fighting through Chicago in possibly the best digital graphics put to film.
  • This may be a con for some, but thankfully the plot and character development is pretty much dropped half way through the movie in favor of a non stop robot mosh pit. Grueling pace, meager rations.
  • The sky diving scenes in 3d Imax are super sweet.
  • There is so much action in this movie. It will make you stupider.
  • The story does keep one central theme from the show alive and intact: The Autobots are bungling idiots that fall for every dumb weed-haze-induced trap the Decepticons can dream up.
  • Shockwave is pretty awesome. He doesn’t really do much other than hang out with the worm-bot, but, you know… Shockwave!


  • For the most part the comic relief falls completely on its face. Needed more John Turturro and less developmentally disabled mini robots.
  • No Megan Fox? Probably a bummer for a lot of you nerd bros out there but I could give a shit. The other hotty they threw in there gets the job done, and for me Megan will always and forever be the sexy demon bitch queen of my dreams in Jennifer’s Body. If you haven’t seen that yet do yourself a solid.
  • Did I miss the fan club memo on the giant earth worm death robot? Since when did Transformers and Dune cross over? Shai-hullud!
  • Still no dinobots. How can you remake Transformers and not include the dinobots in any of the movies?
  • They gave Devastator balls. Yes I know this was in Transformers 2, not 3, but the sin is so monumental that it shall never be forgotten and is henceforth being summoned again here and now, to remind you of the horrors of what has been and could be again.

I’m not exaggerating when I say that the last 45-60 minutes of this movie is non-stop action, explosions, robot combat, machine guns, lasers, etc, etc. This is exactly what I wanted when I bought my ticket, but it is so effing much that when I left the theater all I wanted to do was sit in a quiet room and detox. It was like coming home from war. If this is what you want, then yes, take a hit of meth and go see this movie with your robot boner and pump action nerf rail gun.

Despite all the money and fanfare, the original animated full length movie is still the best Transformers incarnation in history.

I am still trying to decide if the movie was good or bad… but whatever it was, it was perfect.

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About Jon

Videogames / D&D / horror movies / metal / marine biology / sci-fi novels and film / comics. My sin of choice is sloth.